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Audience of One

A couple weeks ago I read an article in the Sunday NY Times' style section about blogging. Essentially the article was about the paradox that is the action of blogging. On one hand there is the huge time wasting aspect of blogging That is if the point of your blogging is to get your message out there and have someone read it and respond. Chances are, that won't happen. The article briefly touched on the more practical blogs that offer advice or how-to info, but this category constitutes just a tiny portion of the Blogiverse. Evidently most blogs are just people blathering on about their lives. Which brings me to the other hand which is evidently, through the action of blogging, furiously whanking off one's own ego while facing a mirror as the keys go tappity-tap providing the soundtrack embellishing the monologue for an audience of one. Ah, well. It beats talking to the cats.


The past weeks and months have been a tortuous path toward a new normal that I haven't reached yet. Grief and loss still defines me. And mild panic. This sudden single-parenthood is a Ball of Fear that I hesitate to look at directly lest it grow large and overwhelm me. The last thing I can do right now is become catatonic with panic. I keep telling myself to slow down and take things one day at a time. And every time I think about the giant mountain of medical bills left to me I get this creeping feeling of gibbering hysteria just on the edge of my brain and I don't know what to do about it, so I shove it into a compartment and push the door shut. But the door has bad hinges and it creeks open at the most inopportune times leaving me drifting in space at work or as I'm driving down the road. I've been throwing small checks at the bills and that seems to help my state of mind a little. At least I'm making an effort to pay. Although it will likely take me the rest of my life to pay this stuff off. But I can't think about THAT either – it's just too grim.


Meanwhile, the shining bit of good news is that my family's drawn in around me and are there to help. Well, at least my side of the family is.. I haven't heard anything from my wife's side since the memorial service in April. I don't know what the protocol is here. Whether I should be calling them or vice-versa. And why the hell am I worrying about the protocol any way? I'm the one who lost a spouse, and you would think if relatives were concerned they would call. It's all so tedious. And here I am whining about it, like it matters to the audience of One. I can see it out there yawning. Bitching about family. How pedestrian. Yup, that's me – a jaywalking pedestrian slob who thinks this shit matters to that One person out there with their arms crossed waiting to be dazzled. Looking for the New. A validation for Hipness. Getting ready to move on. Onto another room. Another Blog. Another Journal where they can cross their arms, smirk and be too cool for the room the minute that blogger starts telling stories about what a great day they had with their cats or the time they got high at a U2 concert back during the Joshua Tree tour. Yeah. That audience of One just ain't that interested in much of anything. Otherwise everyone would have comments clogging their pages and publishers knocking down their doors with book deals and studios buying up the rights. So here we are, going tappitytap, tappitytap. The soundtrack to quiet desperation. The theme for the need to be somebody noticed by anybody. Tappitytap. Tappity. Get it all down. Written down. Tappity. Notes into cyberspace like emotional prayer flags offered up to the One. Tappity. Tap.


( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
Jul. 9th, 2009 01:19 pm (UTC)
audience of One
I keep a blog because I am crazy-I always tell folks keeping a blog is a harmless form of insanity-does not hurt anyone-sorry to read about your woes-life sucks-we need the Lord-peace
Jul. 10th, 2009 02:30 am (UTC)
Re: audience of One
You hide your insanity well. Or is it in plain sight where I can't see it? Blogging as benign insanity works for me - good definition, Jonny. Peace to you.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )