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New Specs and Silverware Drawer


I went through a lot of back and forth with an online optics store, but I finally managed to receive my new glasses in the mail not too long ago. I had an examination last month which indicated that my prescription had changed just a hair - enough to cause me eye fatigue problems and blurriness in the far distance. Now things are much better with my new specs in hand. I'm pretty happy with the surprising quality of these cheap glasses which cost only a fraction of what I usually spend on them. This time around, with the z-girl entering college and myself trying to pay for a vacation for myself - I was a little thin on cash left over for important stuff like being able to see. Online shopping to the rescue. Even if these glasses turn out to be shit, I'll still be ahead of the game financially when compared to buying them through the usually retail channels. Not only that - I got exactly what I wanted without having to compromise because of cost. Nice. The only thing is that when you send a prescription to an online optical lab presumably staffed by former Ronco boiler room employees you have to at least make sure you don't transpose plus and minus signs. I did this and got a nasty surprise when my shipment came. The corrective lenses literally made my eyes feel like were being yanked out of my skull. That combined with the effect of looking at the world through Vaseline coated lenses made for a very unsatisfying consumer experience of my own making. The return and re-order process was completely painless and swift, which was a pleasant surprise. I got two pairs of full framed, plastic hipster specs that'll work out great for bashing around at work along with a very elegant pair of rimless frames that make me look like some guy named Helmut who works security in the laboratory of a German Pharma company that has a cryptic name like "HKZ" or "Mondial DTM".

I spent the weekend luxuriating in the experience of three days off in a row thanks to a shutdown for electrical repairs in my building. I think I have a problem though, because one day into my little vacation I was gripped by boredom. So much boredom that I actually found myself cleaning out the silverware drawer in my kitchen and contemplating tackling the Junk Drawer. I stopped myself from the holy American shrine that is the Junk Drawer, coming to the conclusion that it's just best to leave that drawer alone and in its chaotic pristine state. The silverware drawer was another story. It hadn't been dealt with since we moved in here nearly five years ago. I cranked up the stereo, set the iPod to shuffle and proceeded to go through the silverware drawer piece by piece. For some reason, I have 12 pairs of lacquered chopsticks (both the pointy Japanese kind and the more stubby Chinese variety), 20 Asian spoons, 8 waiter's corkscrews, 4 tea balls, 3 walnut extractors, 8 commemorative spoons from such exotic locales as Cheboygan, Traverse City, and Stratford, Ontario and an extra large relish spoon. What's a relish spoon you ask? It is the 1950's precursor to the Spork only much grander in design. I was busily repairing and cleaning the empty drawer when, turning to grab another nail to re-attach a corner, I came face to face with Z-girl's boyfriend dancing right behind me to Van Morrison's "Real, Real Gone". I felt my heart slosh back and forth in its peritoneal sack as I heard myself let loose with a hail of scatological stream of consciousness mostly having to do with me ramming a large relish spoon up the little bastard's pee-hole like a trident up a corn dog. The fucker thinks it's fun to sneak in and scare me or Z-girl from time to time. I made it clear that one of these time he's either going to kill me or I am going to (accidently, mind) kill him. Just an hour before this, I was sharpening my chef's knives and bopping along to Radiohead at top volume. God knows what I'd done had he scared me when I had a razor sharp sushi knife in hand. Immature little pissfuck.


( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
Aug. 14th, 2012 09:44 am (UTC)
I find a good way to get rid of excess stuff is to toss it in a box and take it to work. Co-workers will snatch up your junk as if it is precious, and it's easier to get rid of stuff if you know someone else will find happiness with it.
Aug. 14th, 2012 10:27 am (UTC)
I knew I forgot to get something while I was in Cheboygan!

The Kitchen Surprise sounds like it would make a good Modern Family scene featuring Phil and Dylan.
Aug. 14th, 2012 03:20 pm (UTC)
like your new glasses-does not Hope College health insurance cover glasses?
Aug. 14th, 2012 04:07 pm (UTC)
Jonny - no optical but dental checkups are covered. I actually have insurance through the contract company I work for which is actually a lot better/cheaper coverage than Hope provides.

Scott - I have a great story about Cheboygan to share later on. I used to take the ferry from Cheboygan to Bois Blanc island (locals call it "Bob-Lo island") quite often back in the 80's. I used to freelance cater during hunting season up there for well-off outdoorsmen in need of a camp cook. Really great gig and one of my favorite areas in Michigan. Got obsessed with Michigan islands and spent a lot of time on Bois Blanc, Whiskey,Beaver, Drummond and even way up on Isle Royal. Even considered buying land on Bois Blanc at one time but I'm glad I didn't considering how my life turned out. Were you up at Kinross AFB?

resonant - you read my mind, I brought the spoons in to work and lo and behold several people were getting pretty excited about them. I'm using the chopsticks and asian spoons for catering.
Aug. 15th, 2012 02:24 am (UTC)
I look forward to the story. :-) I did get to Kinross, and a great memory of the trip is cruising up and down that huge runway in the FBO truck. When I get my trip report posted I'll share the link.

This was my first U.P. visit but I suspect not my last. Until last week I thought "Sault" was pronounced "Salt"!
( 5 comments — Leave a comment )