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Elf on a shelf

Checked e-mail for the first time all weekend and got one from my boss at my moonlighting job as a stringer for the local yokel paper. "Can you fill in for another columnist? Just 400 words...something seasonal. By tomorrow AM."  Umm, sure...lets see if this flies...

Christmas with Big Brother

Excerpts from my journal written when I was five:

November 30 - The Parents have placed a spy in my midst. He's a cartoonish looking doll dressed as one of Santa's elves. Mom says he's to keep an eye on me for Santa to make sure any naughty activity gets reported. Evidently, constitutional privacy protections don't apply to me.

December 2 - Worked up a plan of action with Boots, the cat and my imaginary friend Stanley. Question- How come the Parents believe in a stuffed doll elf, but dismiss my friend Stanley? Not taking any chances, though.  The elf must be neutralized.

December 3 - Plan A was an utter failure. Evidently the toilet does not swallow elves as easily as it does poo, pee and car keys. Put in the chair. Dad says he's calling Santa personally if I don't straighten up. This is impossible. I know dad doesn't have Santa's number. I checked his phone before I buried it in the garden last summer. Note: Boots and Stanley are useless as lookouts.

December 8 - Plan B. Another set-back. Mom says magic marker over the elves' eyes won't work because it has special x-ray vision. This was Stanley's idea. Beginning to think Stanley is an idiot. An hour in the chair.  Now the elf stares at me with its blinded, yet all seeing eyes. It's creepy. I'm starting to get desperate.

December 11 - Elves don't microwave. Two hours in the chair.

December 13 - Saw Santa at the mall. He told me to knock it off with the elf. Yeah right. Game on, old man.

December 14 - Buried elf in snow bank next to the stinky compost pile where no one ever goes. A great weight has been lifted. I am free.

December 15 - Parents interrogate me, but I stand firm despite an hour in the chair. Dad threatens again with a call to Santa. "Go ahead." I say. Another hour in the chair.

December 23 - Horrible betrayal. Boots rescued the elf. The blame for the elves' disappearance goes to the traitor cat, but I am under surveillance again. The up side is, the Parents feel guilty for blaming me. I ask for an XBox.

Christmas Day -  The elf is gone. I revel in sweet freedom and XBox. Playing partners with Stanley. Haven't seen Boots all day.


Nov. 27th, 2012 10:51 am (UTC)